I am so confused! Are you?
I have for so long searched…and I don’t know what I’m searching for. (Or is that sought?)
I have been working on a mission I think for about 8 months and it’s going so well (by most external measures) and so poorly (by my expectations) it’s hard to know what to think and even less, what to do.
So I have taken a break from ‘producing’ to do some analyzing.
Oh God, kill me!
Last weekend I suffered my 55th Birthday and celebrated with a three-day retreat with my Buddhist friends. My birthday coincided with the tenth anniversary of when our Buddhist center opened too. I had a great time – except for two things. There were too many people and the lessons were ones I had heard over and over again.
Herein lies a problem. My wanting to help people involves other people.
And the lessons I NEED to learn I won’t do.
In other words, I hate myself …
And can’t learn life.
This is an obvious subjective error. I am not seeing myself the ways other people do but have created a personae that is incongruous with whom I want to be. AND I CAN”T SEE MYSELF OBJECTIVELY ANYWAY.
My alignment with Buddhist principle and values are clear (values)
I want what they have got….and I identify as a Buddhist thinker.
I think Buddhist, therefore, I am one.
People are the thing, you know? I want to help others, I value others opinions and efforts. I feel like I have a lot to offer other people who are struggling with what I have struggled with. I believe that helping others is the thing to do (purpose).
Why is it too hard for me? Procrastination and distractions abound to steer me off my chosen and God-given path (sometimes they are the same path!)
Who takes a break from prayer and meditation to watch a horse race, for God’s sake? Me, that who.
This brings me to the point of this essay.
The Meaning of Life.
- I have a life…the Earth has a life…and my business has a life.
- The Business, Life, and Environment are predicated on values and they all have a purpose. How am I going so far?
- The things I see in Environment, Life and to a degree Commerce inspire me to act in a certain way. Which way? Ethically? Morally? Naturally?
When I was just sober a few months I began reading about morals and ethics. The discussions between the ‘Schopenhauers’ and the ‘Kants’ ‘On Morals and Ethics’ fascinates me. I don’t know why. Does it matter?
Maybe my hypocritical Catholic upbringing caused me to feel ‘less-than’, when actually I achieved quite well at school, had a little to do with that?
The values that I have adopted for now as in own My Own Creed are thus –
Not in any particular order mind you.
This exercise has taken two weeks out of productivity for the sake of staying true to my original purpose – except I really didn’t write down a PURPOSE per se, and now I feel like I have just lost two weeks productivity for nothin’! You know?
But I’m happy that I have some values that I can call my own now.
I learned a lot about myself this last two weeks (you foreigners don’t say fortnight, do you?) ANd worse still, I learned a lot about myself.
It’s like what the oldtimers say to you when you’re a week sober in AA. “The good news is that you get your feelings back – the BAD news is that you get your feelings back!”
The good news that I learned about myself is that with the experience of sober recovery through Buddhist principles and AA traditions I am a better person than I was when I was still a self-seeking missile looking for pleasure and/or pain relief at every moment.
The bad news is that I’m not the Buddha. Or the Christ. As Brians’s mum said in The Life of Brian, “He’s not the Messiah, he’s just a naughty, naughty boy!”
And such is my life.
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