Such Is Life – Death of Ego Takes So Long

I am so confused! Are you?

I have for so long searched…and I don’t know what I’m searching for. (Or is that sought?)

I have been working on a mission I think for about 8 months and it’s going so well (by most external measures) and so poorly (by my expectations) it’s hard to know what to think and even less, what to do.

So I have taken a break from ‘producing’ to do some analyzing.

Oh God, kill me!

Last weekend I suffered my 55th Birthday and celebrated with a three-day retreat with my Buddhist friends. My birthday coincided with the tenth anniversary of when our Buddhist center opened too. I had a great time – except for two things. There were too many people and the lessons were ones I had heard over and over again.

Herein lies a problem. My wanting to help people involves other people.

And the lessons I NEED to learn I won’t do.

Morality – What’s It Really Good For?

In other words, I hate myself …

And can’t learn life.

This is an obvious subjective error. I am not seeing myself the ways other people do but have created a personae that is incongruous with whom I want to be. AND I CAN”T SEE MYSELF OBJECTIVELY ANYWAY.

My alignment with Buddhist principle and values are clear (values)

I want what they have got….and I identify as a Buddhist thinker.

I think Buddhist, therefore, I am one.

People are the thing, you know? I want to help others, I value others opinions and efforts. I feel like I have a lot to offer other people who are struggling with what I have struggled with. I believe that helping others is the thing to do (purpose).

Why is it too hard for me? Procrastination and distractions abound to steer me off my chosen and God-given path (sometimes they are the same path!)

Who takes a break from prayer and meditation to watch a horse race, for God’s sake? Me, that who.

This brings me to the point of this essay.


The Meaning of Life.

  1. I have a life…the Earth has a life…and my business has a life.
  2. The Business, Life, and Environment are predicated on values and they all have a purpose. How am I going so far?
  3. The things I see in Environment, Life and to a degree Commerce inspire me to act in a certain way. Which way? Ethically? Morally? Naturally?

When I was just sober a few months I began reading about morals and ethics. The discussions between the ‘Schopenhauers’ and the ‘Kants’ ‘On Morals and Ethics’ fascinates me. I don’t know why. Does it matter?

Maybe my hypocritical Catholic upbringing caused me to feel ‘less-than’, when actually I achieved quite well at school, had a little to do with that?

The values that I have adopted for now as in own My Own Creed are thus –








Not in any particular order mind you.

Photo by Mikail Duran on Unsplash

This exercise has taken two weeks out of productivity for the sake of staying true to my original purpose – except I really didn’t write down a PURPOSE per se, and now I feel like I have just lost two weeks productivity for nothin’! You know?

But I’m happy that I have some values that I can call my own now.

I learned a lot about myself this last two weeks (you foreigners don’t say fortnight, do you?) ANd worse still, I learned a lot about myself.

It’s like what the oldtimers say to you when you’re a week sober in AA. “The good news is that you get your feelings back – the BAD news is that you get your feelings back!”

The good news that I learned about myself is that with the experience of sober recovery through Buddhist principles and AA traditions I am a better person than I was when I was still a self-seeking missile looking for pleasure and/or pain relief at every moment.

The bad news is that I’m not the Buddha. Or the Christ. As Brians’s mum said in The Life of Brian, “He’s not the Messiah, he’s just a naughty, naughty boy!”

And such is my life.

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2 thoughts on “Such Is Life – Death of Ego Takes So Long

  1. Thank you for your honest expression.
    I think there is one buddhist anecdote that sums up Buddhism Best for my mind:

    Actually there’s two in there mean the same thing but they sound like they’re talking about two different things:

    The first one goes something like if two enlightened bodhisattvas where to meet each other they would not know that the other one was enlightened.

    And the other saying is, once you reach enlightenment you realize that there’s no such thing as enlightenment.

    But of course there are many paths.

    It is interesting to me that you mentioned Schopenhauer and Kant , and ethics and things like that.

    I think one of the best meditations that really transcends both the east and the west philosophy, there’s a meditation on what one is doing at that moment.

    And I think the significant question is, could you be doing something else?

    This question I think goes to the crux of ethics it self. Because on one hand the question can be considered within X ethics because on one hand the question can be considered ethics, as though everything that I do has an ethical component; and on the other hand it has to do with ethics as a category in itself, to bring up Kant.

    The issue with the problem of ethics and what I should do and what I am doing hinges around these questions.

    I think we have discussed that we have about the same amount of sober time.
    Personally I don’t dwell too much on whether or not I maintaining my spiritual fitness, to reference the big book of AA.

    I like the part around the 10th step, I think it is: this is probably a paraphrase: We are no longer fighting anyone or anything including alcohol, for by now sanity will have returned. We have been placed in a position of neutrality; We are neither afraid nor are we swearing off, rather the problem has been removed. And there seems to have come about through no effort on my part.

    Of course for about the first two or three years of my Sebright he that is all I did is I went to meetings and I sponsored people and I search my home group and I tried to be maximum service to the world.

    And for sure AA is my spiritual practice it is my only spiritual practice, it is de facto the spiritual practice for me. So after a while it just became a church; it’s just something that I do because that’s what I do. Because I’ve been placed in a position of neutrality through no effort on my part, indeed my relationship with the world is my relationship with God and God is that power that intervenes at all moments between me and the next drink, such that all I have to worry about is my relationship with God, which is to say my relationship with the world.

    I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that I have been placed in a position of neutrality through no effort on my part and all I do now is worry about my relationship with God so far as that is represented as the world.

    So I’m wondering if your interests and perhaps my comments might make you interested in a book that I wrote that has nothing to do with sobriety but has a little bit to do with spirituality and somewhat to do with philosophy and mainly to do with religion. Namely Christianity, but I’m not a Christian.

    I feel like you may get something out of reading that book of mine and I’d be glad to give you a copy if you would be wanting to read it.

    Thank you for your service in life and I’m glad I found your blog.

  2. …well. I mean. It is a philosophy book, but it is not a “philosophy of..” book. And it is a spiritual book, but it is not a manual of how to be spiritual. And it is a religious book, but it doesn’t speak to a particular institution of religion. And it is not a sobriety book, but I think I can assist a person in an understanding that concerns the issue of sobriety.

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