“And Acceptance Is The Answer To All My Problems Today.

My Problems

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

When I am disturbed,

It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation —

Some fact of my life — unacceptable to me,

And I can find no serenity until I accept

That person, place, thing, or situation

As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms,

I cannot be happy.

I need to concentrate not so much

On what needs to be changed in the world

As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.” Alcoholics Anonymous (the Book)

Self is not Self

Shirley Smith says in “Set Yourself Free”, Codependency is a state of dis-ease that originates from the abandonment of the authentic self in order to survive…”

Survive what, you may ask? Great question. Here is one view that I tend to lean towards.

When we are born a human being we are extremely vulnerable. We cannot normally survive without caregivers. So we’re dependent on these people. The person we become, e.g. our personality, is predicated by how we are cared for by our caregivers and let’s face it, no one is or has a perfect parent.

Our own parents, if we were lucky enough to have some, are also products of their environment. And so it goes.

Whether you were like me – were born with parents to care for you, or if you are an orphan and were cared for by others, the impacts of our early life have far-reaching consequences.

Ms. Smith in “Set Yourself Free” describes dependency needs as the need for food, clothing, shelter, medical care, physical nurturing, emotional nurturing, sexual guidance, and financial education. If a child is abused on purpose or through abdication of responsibility she is abandoned.

I experienced abandonment when, at the age of five, my father told me I should act like a grown-up now – in my brothers funeral. That theme of expectation continued throughout my life. I never did grow up, because I drank from 14 like ‘a man possessed’.

Photo by Paul Volkmer on Unsplash

Are You Un-Hugged?

You may have been abandoned by having to deal with sexual predators as a child because your parents didn’t protect you. The fact that they couldn’t possibly have known about the event doesn’t matter to the child. If you needed protection as we all do, and it wasn’t forthcoming then you were abandoned.

Being un-hugged might be your abandonment.

Or perhaps the disappointment of being the second/third/fourth favorite child?

We have all been taken somewhere as children, be it kindergarten, grandparents, or neighbors and been temporarily left and that memory may be permanently awful.

Abandonment issues often need specialists help, and if you believe that this is an area of concern for you, seek help from your doctor or other appropriate therapists.

Recovery is preferable – Addiction is lethal

Giving up the very thing that we have relied upon for survival is difficult, for sure. But addiction will kill you early.
And there are many deaths before the big leap. Maybe you relate to soe of mine-

The death of my first marriage happened when I was in my early twenties, but I didn’t stop drinking until I was 45.
Business failure became commonplace, as I strove to prove myself to my peers and myself. Did I just want Daddy’s approval?
My personal and legal self-caring left me about 5-7years before the end of my drinking career and the start of the resurrection to come.
The doctor that I finally used to get and remain sober was called Wes. He told me after the blood tests I had done that he had never seen a liver as bad as mine in a LIVING HUMAN BEING.
He said I it would never fully repair and although I have excellent blood results now I am limited to 2 pieces of fruit per day as the fructose sends my liver into overdrive or something (and I’m a vegetarian).

People, Places, and Things

I was born.

I grew up.

I am here now.

I will die.

During a life, we encounter quazillians of smells, tastes, feelings, events, and things. The emotional weight that we give each memory differs enormously from person to person.  One boy’s abandonment may be the next girl’s fun day at the park.

It’s how we react with the world that makes the difference.  With consciousness, I am learning that I can live in the world that I experience in a new way.  I don’t have to inherit my father’s attitudes to others and my mother’s way of handling ‘stress’.

In fact, I don’t have to react at all sometimes.  That’s a big lesson I’m learning every day from my kids.

The pause button is a new one I sewed on myself. You can pause when agitated, now that you know you don’t have to react. It’s your choice what happens next.

love alwaz

If you like the feel of this article and are thinking you would like to give sobriety a go, try my FREE 5 part course, “Stop Drinking – Start Living

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3 thoughts on ““And Acceptance Is The Answer To All My Problems Today.

  1. That is a good part of the book for sure. And psychological explanations do well.
    I have a slightly different take on what and authentic self or and I fed take being might be, though.

    I get the feeling when people talk with reference to an authentic self that was prevented because of various traumas, that they are talking about something that was prevented that otherwise should’ve been. For example, myself personally, I tend to think of it in terms of say I would’ve been a scholar or professor, but (insert various sorts of traumas here) caused me to act in a certain way and feel a certain way that drugs seem to supply the solution for. And so my life followed a different track, basically around using drugs and drinking, such that I ended up 20 years later with absolutely nothing.

    That is a way to talk about my own experience, so far is I would’ve been something else, I would have been that authentic person that was me following my dreams and being able to enact them positively.

    And so part of recovery is excepting that here I am right now regardless of what occurred, I am I am here right now as I am.

    And so I would add to that whole sense of things that I am here right now and my life unfolded authentically in exactly the way that it should have, that it could have, and that it could only have been.

    The slight difference I think involved with the way I am posing it right here is that there was no alternative path, there was no what if, there was no I should have been if it wasn’t for drugs.

    The acceptance that that I tend to see his acceptance to what actually occurred. And, that what actually occurred was actually my authentic being itself being itself.

    What I am not excepting when I have to think about that I’m supposed to except things as they are or whatever that passage is referring to, It’s actually the discrepancy involved with me thinking that it could have been folded in some other way . that’s somehow those terrible things that have occurred in my life because of drugs and alcohol we’re actually worse than any of the other bad things that would’ve happened in my life otherwise. As an addict, I prioritize my attic life to make it worse than anyone else’s life who may not have been addicted. I place myself in an exceptional situation where something outside of me caused me to be something that I wasn’t.

    The radical acceptance that I like to think about is the acceptance that no, actually my life unfolded authentically and is still unfolding authentically.

    1. Thank you for sharing.

      As I see it today, the karma that I had to experience happened.

      There is a way forward that involves either me accepting the life I HAVE HAD, and the life I HAVE NOW and moving forward with the intent to be – As opposed to the intent to do.
      Or keep on doing what my ego wants to do. The ego wants me to do this and that to appease this desire or avoid that fearful thing. I would be running from or running to something else to feel good.

      Accepting the being that I am, means I can easily stay right here and enjoy the gratitude of the blessings I have, or I can embark on life-nourishing experiences of helping others, loving my kin, and interacting with nature.

      It’s a complicated place, ‘My Mind’, and I see that you have given this a lot of thought too.

      love alwaz

      1. Yes. Part of the realization I had what that there is not part of me that was not an addict; like where does the addition center? In my mind. What part ? Is there a healthy part and then an addict part? No. It was my whole mind.

        The same with my life. Was there some part that was not addicted? No. My whole life was addicted.

        That was a really hard part for me Becuase I kept thinking that I just had to get a handle on the addiction part, then the more healthy part, the not addict part, could get on with things.

        That never happened. I always ended up getting loaded.

        So the it was “half measures got me nothing”. I didn’t stay half loaded; I got totally loaded. Every time. Not sometimes.

        Like how you put the. ‘Ego’ thing: appease that desire or avoid that fearful thing. Yeah.

        But otherwise I have difficulty with ‘parts’. I’m kind of a totalizizer. I don’t know what is my ego (but I like your version) of what is Self. From my higher power. It is really difficult for me to think in those terms, I can’t really tell a difference.

        I mean intellectually I can conceive of such differences, but in effect. I’m not sure what I am meaning when I would say ‘my will’ as opposed to ‘gods will’. I just know I do things and I’m staying sober, and now it’s a way of life. I say ‘God’ and ‘higher power’ and such to try an help people, but to me it’s just a word I use. The meaning is about what they think.

        But I’m too much a philosopher now. Newly sober I didn’t think about such things. A gift of sobriety I guess; I can think whatever I want now. Lol.

        I simply believed then; now I’m not sure belief has anything to do with it. But I still do the same things.

        It’s not about me anymore.

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